cocktail wears in burgundy or lavender

Shes broken- A poem (trigger warning)

I remember
the feeling of cocaine in my body
needing more
those were the days Kate loved me
we were high
drunk and in love
now I am a waste,
a waste of time, money, and love
all she does is hurt me
it was one sided arguments and fights
to anyone who hung around
and decided to leave
I still love you.
Coked out, and drunk
feeling anything but depression.

letting alcohol flood through my body
I feel my lips go numb
my hands tingle
my mouth burns
at the taste of vodka
I'm happy

tonight I feel enough courage
enough to end my life
I was searching for ways
to off myself
to kill myself
to die
I have no reason at all to keep going
By now, there is no such thing as a bad time cocktail wears in burgundy or lavender
now is the right time.

Chain smoking
feeling my lungs take in the cigarette smoke
and releasing it, thanking it.
for the love of fucking god
let me go
let me rest
I'm tired
I've loved and lost
far to many times
She was my best friend and then left
he was the love of my life but
now I no longer exist in his eyes
I was never enough for anyone

I watch
as the blade runs through my skin
breaking it,
like the stupid saying,
"I wrote with silver,
it came out red"
Watching the blood drip down my arm
I feel calm
Couldn't get stronger
or weaker
Hitting rock bottom
Shaking and crying
Screaming until my throat grew tired
maybe this is how I will go,
Exhausted and lost.

-Andy, July 2017